Robin’s Hood
& The Very Merry Men

I’m Pip The Spirit of Sherwood, welcome one and all.
It’s Adult Panto time once more, a load of cock and balls..! In Sherwood’s leafy catwalk, where the branches sway and preen, I’m easily the sexiest thing this forest’s ever seen!
With glitter, glam and fairy dust, I flutter to and fro, And frankly, without me this whole show would surely blow!
My magic makes the action stop, it’s such handy skill.
It helps to get us all caught up, and gives me such a thrill. There’s Robin, brave and handsome, with his arrows and his hood, He steals from greedy rich folk—now that’s what I call good! The Sheriff’s stomping round about, all pompous, mean and loud, He’s got the appeal of saggy balls and humours not allowed!
So if you see that bully lurking, don’t be shy or coy, You shout and point and swear at him—oh yes, that’s half the joy.
With laughter, cheers and song and dance, this woodland’s all aglow… So sparkle up, my lovely lot—there’s magic in the show!
Ooh, one more thing, and this is key, so listen up and join with me: Whenever there’s a fairy near, be sure to wave and give a cheer.

Stand aside and show some respect. The Sheriff of Nottingham has arrived.

I see the usual collection of scruffy peasants, gormless villagers and rowdy drunken locals have assembled. Honestly, is this the best (Your Town/Village) can do.

I am the law in Nottingham. What I say goes. If I want taxes raised, they’re raised. If I want someone locked up, they’re locked up. And if I want Robin Hood caught, then caught he will be.

He may think he’s clever, hiding in Sherwood, stealing from the rich, helping the poor, holding his balls. It’s all very annoying.

But this time I’m ready for him. This time he won’t escape me.

And of course, every great man needs an assistant. Someone to carry things, agree with everything I say, and tremble at the appropriate moments.

Which brings me to someone totally crap, my sidekick… Snivel!

I’m here, Sheriff! I was right behind you. Well… slightly behind you. Quite a long way behind you, actually.

Come here, you pitiful little shit.

Yes, Sheriff.

Snivel is supposed to be my right-hand man, although frankly he’s more like a damp tissue in a brothel, ready to be flushed down to toilet. He is also useless in a crisis.

That’s not strictly true. I’m also useless when things are going perfectly

well.

He’s frightened of loud noises, dark corners, barking dogs and strong language. So basically, your fucked tonight, Snivel!

(Looking scared) Will there be a lot of bad language tonight then?

Shitloads. Oh well, at least you know your place.

Usually behind you, Sheriff. For safety.

Exactly. And if Robin Hood appears, Snivel will help me capture him.

Will I?

Willy.

Oh dear….more bad language…..or were you asking the audience.

It’s not who wants to a millionaire! So listen carefully, all of you. If you see Robin Hood, you tell me at once. If anyone helps him, they answer to me. And if any of you lot think you can laugh at me—

They probably already are, Sheriff. Your showing your arse…

What? (Looking behind him)

I said they hardly dare, Sheriff. Out of fear. Butt clenching fear.

Quite right. Now keep your eyes open. Robin Hood won’t outsmart me for much longer. (Ad lib digs at audience)

Welcome, good people, draw near if you please, To Nottingham town square, alive with the breeze! With bustle and banter to suit after dark, We’ve songs, jokes and sauce, we are up for a lark!

And now there is someone so dashing and vain, With swagger and sparkle and style that’s plain. It’s Will!—but oh dear, he’s fucked off out of sight… We’ll need you to call him with all of your might.

So shout out together, both hearty and clear: “Will Scarlet! Get your arse out! We want you here!”

Helloooo!! I said Helloooo!! That’s better. My names Will, Will Scarlet. Do you like my new jacket? Well, that was totally shit. Just because this is an adult show, does not mean you don’t have to make a twat of yourselves…..in fact…it is even more crucial. I know you can do better. So, when I come on, I’m going to say ‘Hello my fine friends, how do I look?’ And you will respond, Fucking Fabulous!’ Got it?(Go off and come back on to practice). That was so spontaneous! Or are you pissed already? It is so important to be seen…unless you are running from the guards, of course. Good job I’m fast really, cos I do like to look my best. And, I am pretty handy with a sword too, though mostly I use it to point out my best side. (Demonstrate).
I am Robin of Sherwood’s closest trusted companion. You know who Robin is right? The one in green with a bow and arrow. Does inspiring monologues whilst standing on a tree stump, and holding his balls. He robs from the rich to give to the poor. Very noble indeed, but makes a terrible shopping companion…..(wait for the joke to drop). Well, I wasn’t born in (Your Town/Village), but I think I might be dying here.
Just between us, without me, Robin would be nobody. He does the heroic glaring into the distance, and I do the important bit. Waving at the crowd and keeping morale gorgeous. We are a great team. He fires the arrows, I fire the one liners. He battles the bad guys, and I battle split ends….that is no mean feat in a forest climate….without mirrors.

(Referring to Will) I wouldn’t say he is vain, but his mirror is his soulmate.

I would give you a piece of my mind, but I am far too attached to my own thoughts.

At least you know exactly what you want in life.

What does he want in life? (looking at Will)

You’re looking at it.

Ok Ok, I get it, you are all just jealous.

Yeah, leave him alone……Darwin takes care of the knobheads.

Hey, did I see the lovely Maid Marian? I was sure she was here with her Nanny.

Well, helllooooo… My name is Nanny Nora, what’s your name, handsome? Lovely. In case you didn’t get the message from my incredible performance, I am in the market for a new husband, and it just so happens it is your lucky day. Do ya feel lucky, do you feel anything? Nope…dead from the waist down. I’m sure I can bring the feeling back. The rest of you are pissed off and jealous now….right boys? Don’t worry, there’s always next year. I have a short attention span. I do hope yours is long though (audience member)…and your attention span.
I have been married before. Marriage is a wonderful institution, and I am so ready to be committed. Address another audience member. You’re married aren’t you? You’ve got that look….. like your wife keeps your balls in a jar by the bed. Blink twice if you are being held captive. We won’t rescue you, but it adds to the drama. My husband died, sadly……sadder than that. I can clearly remember his last words to this day.

Awww…what were his last words Nanny Nora?

Get that pillow off my face!

Woah, Nora, that’s a bit dark.

Not as dark as the stains on the mattress. Don’t panic, I am sure we can lighten things up for (Audience member).

Then heaven help (audience member).

I just need a man who is kind and loyal, has all his own teeth and doesn’t need the little blue pills just yet.

Well, that rules out half of (Nearby Town) then. You might want to add desperate to that list.

Not desperate, just open minded.

A sunny day in our town square, all happy and full of cheer.

Buying, selling all our wares, they must not know the sheriffs near…

Don’t let him see you Marian, Hood up and get behind me.

What is he up to now?

Great disguise Marian, about as subtle as a whore in a brothel.

He’s got a bit of a thing for her, bit of a crush, you know.

Ewww….yuck….no way etc.

Exactly my thoughts. I should find something better to hide in, like another country. I do want to know what he is planning though.

That’s why we need Robin Hood. He is out now…..acquiring some additional funds. I should probably go and catch up with him, before he gets arrested, or seduced…or both.

You definitely should if the Sherriff is on his way. He knows you are his associate. Make like a tree.

A tree?

Leave…..you gorgeous prick.

Right yes…farewell my fine friends. If anyone asks, I was never here. Unless they are attractive, then tell them I was fucking fire!